“Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling”
-Esther Perel,Mating in Captivity

We are not experts in dating and relationship. This blog is about our experiences and what we have read about the topic. Opinions are solely our own. I am so happy to be sharing this with my brother again.

Maria: Hey, we’re back.
Yves:How’s everything? Any interesting story to tell.

M: I am actually trying on vegetarian diets and bought some plants. I tried a vegan diet for 2 days but I slipped and ate eggs. I was not mentally prepared for the vegan diet, I puked man! Oh my goodness. I bought a vegan burger with a bun (refined carbs) and only mushrooms in it. haha I wish this burger had a beef patty it would have tasted much better. But anyway, I couldn’t take it so I slipped and felt bad that I ate eggs and drink dairy. So I am trying to do a Lacto-ovo-vegetarian diet after that.
Y: Holy shit! hahaha Oh man for how long are you going to do that diet for? Crazy and what is Lacto-ovo vegetarian?

M: I am going to do it for a month. Lacto-ovo it’s a type of vegetarian diet which eliminates meat, fish and poultry but allows eggs and dairy in the diet. Anyway, I will blog about it soon. What’s up with you?
Y: I am doing well! I’m very busy baking pastries and blogging. I just wonder how others are coping with all these things happening around us.

M: Saw your IG stories of your baked products, looked so appetizing!! Can’t wait to taste those. So for now, I am just drooling over here. I saw your recipe on your blog too very interesting but I can’t bake here, we don’t have oven. haha

But with regards to coping, we are just lucky to have housemates/family with us. It must be very hard for others who are by themselves.

Y: Baking is so much fun, a lot of technique but it’s worth it. It keeps me sane. And yes, we’re just lucky that our family is with us. We should be more compassionate now and be socially responsible.

Y: Anyway since it’s quarantine, I wonder do you receive a lot of sex text because of course people are also horny right?

M: Haha speaking of sex text. I actually could use that right now. We can discuss about sex, early stages of dating and relationship. If we feel like it’s a complex scope we can try to talk about early stages of dating first. haha
Y: Yes, let’s start with the early stages of dating and some parts of relationship. The sexting too because that really happens. So my question is what can you say to people who ask for it? Like nude photos? Dick photos?

M: Hahaha. Well, if we’re just having fun and we like each other then sexting is quite normal right? I mean gosh it’s quarantine if you’re horny and me too why are we going to pretend that we don’t like it. But sending a dick pick unsolicited like just sending me his penis out of nowhere would be so inappropriate haha. I’d think of him differently. I have never experienced a guy who just sends me his penis out of nowhere without any sexual tension or even teasing in our conversation. That’s really not sexy. If we’re dating for quite sometime or we are sexting because we like each other then fire away that penis pleaaseeeeee!! hahaha Have you experienced a guy sending you a dick photo unsolicited? I’d think he’s an idiot if he did that.

And for guys who ask for nude photos unsolicited without teasing or sexual tension I’d probably think he’s so inappropriate for me. I have never experienced this too hahaha. And so, for example just texting him “I just got out of the shower” and he asked for nude photos. I’d think of him as just a guy, it doesn’t make him a bad guy. These men just need to be educated. It is always how you communicate your standards to them. If I really want to tease I’d go for this sex text. It really depends what you are actually after. If I want something deeper in a guy, I’d think twice of sending nude photos. This is not only for girls, this is also for men – let’s not be thirsty haha

Y: It’s always a shock when a guy sends me dick photos unsolicited. I have never send my dick unsolicited haha It’s just so ridiculous. But I agree with the nude photos that if you just wanted to have fun because it’s quarantine and you’re both horny why not hahaha

M: It’s really funny that all of the men I have dated. They were not really in a rush in getting to bed with me. I am actually more of when I want to have sex let’s do it. I have no limit to this, I am okay with having sex on a first date.
Y: Men will not rush if they really like you and they wanted to be in a relationship with you.
M: Well, I won’t agree. I know someone where he likes this girl he’s dating and he’s not in a rush getting to bed with her but he’s fucking someone else. So don’t be fooled. The girl must be thinking that he might be serious because he’s not in a sex rush but the truth is he’s having sex somewhere else!

Y: hahaha so you’re like the guy who wanted to be with bed them easily.
M: haha yes. I mean if I like it now why can’t we do it now? We have been dating for a couple of weeks why not do it? It’s fun! And I think that’s still too fast for them That’s why right now, I really take things slowly. I will fucking wait now when there is really a connection then let’s have sex haha. So what I do is I go with a 30 minute meet up instead of longer dates to avoid wasting our time.

Y: You mean to know if they want a relationship or not?
M: Yes, so I will know the things that they value

Y: 30 minutes will not suffice you have to get to know them better for that to conclude
M: You can tell. By how they respond to your questions or when you tell them certain situations. Or maybe you can just be friends first and let it grow organically.

Y: You probably expect a lot from a guy.
M: In the first few minutes of conversation I don’t so I could meet more men. I throw my net wide. I am not just looking for a housemate. I am looking for a partner, my team mate. We will build a relationship together. He and I should be willing to be better everyday for the relationship. I think we need to have that kind of expectations.

M: I went on a lot of dates that did not work out and I realized that I could have been friends with them. If we don’t have potential, we can be friends and he can introduce me to his friends and I’ll do if for him too. ๐Ÿ™‚
Y: I think that would not really create desire if you think of a guy as just a friend. Speaking of that, I have met a guy before and he was okay. I felt like he was really special because he texted me all the time and he’s sweet and all. But no matter what I did he just kept texting. We saw each other once but after that we just kept on texting. I was like wtf was wrong? I don’t want to be pen pals with anyone.

M: Haha oh right, the other species of men. The guy who only texts you but never asks you out. It’s not sexy to me when a guy just text me all the time. Like what are you? a child? We should not waste our time with these kind of men. I actually have couple of things to share about them.
M: So, let’s just name him Flow. Flow is a cute guy. I could have liked him but despite how cute he is and high caliber in his career – it just really turned me off when he just can’t talk to me. And despite how hard I wanted to talk to him in person, he just kept texting. I felt that time that I have wasted my time being so warm with him because whenever I see him in person because we are in the same building he’s so cold – he did not talk to me haha. And I came to realize that he only texted whenever he was lonely and bored, just to get some attention and validation. So that in his times of meaninglessness and lack of connection he can connect with someone. Let’s not be excited for these men, they are time wasters. This is not only limited to guys but to girls too.

Y: Maybe he’s just really too shy?
M: I understand that his reasons maybe true but I care about my reality too. And the reality is he won’t talk to me in person. I have met men who were shy too, they would even tell me that but I’d tell them that it’s fine. But they still rise to the game. Those kind of men turn me on. Or maybe Flow was not that interested in me too.

Y: Let’s not waste our time with those guys or girls.
M: Yes, I only have 1 life to live and I don’t want to waste it to men who does not invest in me. But of course we should also be kind to them, stay warm.

Y: I actually agree. Staying warm is always the best response to anyone who’s been cold to us.
M: I remember this guy who only asked me out on an 11pm date. I am physically attracted to this guy and you can really tell this guy goes to the gym quite a lot because he works there haha Anyway, so let’s name him Nitchi. Nitchi asked me on an 11pm date and I told him I could not do an 11pm date because it’s not my style if I was not really with someone. Meaning I could do that if he’s already my boyfriend or we’ve been dating for so long. But he still insisted that I should make an adjustment because I would not meet anyone if I have this time limit and I should not think that he just wanted sex. So I did not reply because I was not negotiating with him. I was sending him a message. The next day he asked me out again but in the morning.

What I am trying to say is that when we like someone, we bend our rules so that they’d like us back. But that’s not the truth, guys just need to be educated and they will comply if you tell them your standards in a very polite and warm way. I did not tell Nichi that he was a jerk for asking me out on an 11pm meet up. He’s just a guy. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Y: Haha what happened with this guy?
M: Hmm I think we’re okay haha.

Y: What can you say about guys who play hot and cold? Like they are the low investment kind of guys. They text you sometimes but some days they don’t.
M: Hmm, I used to be so affected with men who do this but I have learned later on that why should I be affected? They don’t know me, they don’t know how I can add value to their lives. We should not be mad with them because first of all we know little of them so that they can affect our lives. If they are low investments, we can separate them from men who invest in us. Let’s not waste our time crying over what we could have done better. There are other men out there.

M: Speaking of coldness, I just remember this guy who’s so cold to me. Let’s call him Olaf. While I was reading the book How to Talk to Kids so Kids will listen and Listen so Kids will talk I remembered him. He texted me one time after he taught us something related to his craft. He asked me how it was? And it’s funny now because the book mentioned on how to approach that kind of question. And I’m glad I did it correctly with a tease but I should approach better. I’ll use that approach soon but anyway I always answer a question the way I wanted to be asked. So I already know this guy must have been getting a lot of praise for his craft so I won’t add to that. I will tell him things nobody say. And I just did haha and he was still cold to me despite being warm to him. It’s a bit sad because I was so interested in him when he mentioned his parents. But I guess it ended there. He’s cute to me though. But coldness sucks and it’s a major turn off.
Y: Why Olaf?
M: Because he’s so cold hahaha.

Y:I’d like to tell you about a friend let’s call him Escape. He used to tell me about dating this guy he met while traveling. They did everything together in a week and whenever he talked about that guy he felt he’s known him for more than 6 months and he felt really great like he’s in a romantic movie. He even told me that even the sex was better than his honeymoon.
M: It’s like a Romeo and Juliet effect. Because you both knew that you’re not going to spend so much time together you squeeze everything in a week to do things you liked most because you don’t want to miss it. It’s a crazy feeling! It feels like you have been together for 6 months but you’re just together for 6 days.
I have met a guy – he’s on a business trip. This guy was so romantic let’s call him Catan. He loved walking in the rain, so we both loved walking in the rain. Thinking about it really gave me so much feels because it’s like in the movies hahaha. And because we knew he’s just going to be in SG for 1 week, we did everything. We tried every tourist destinations in SG, we just didn’t mind the time. We even told everyone we met that we’re a couple. We were just on a roll. It’s really one of the best dates of my life. I thought I won’t feel anything emotionally for a guy before but you can. Feelings can be replaced. So let’s not be afraid to fall in love again because we can feel it again.

Y: So what happened with this guy?
M: We tried to work things out when he left. But I can’t do long distance relationship It was really hard for us.

Y: Did you end it? or just ghost?
M: Hmm ghosting is really not a great idea. If you have been together for quite sometime and you ghost them what does that have say to you? We both decided to end it.

Y: That’s really sad. But maybe you will find your soulmate soon.
M: I actually don’t believe in soulmates so I have so many things to say about romantic love being a myth but will talk about that in a separate blog post.

Y: Totally! Anyway, where do you think should we go to meet more men?

M: I really believe that you are meeting men/women everywhere.
Y: Does that mean you have to be everywhere?

M: Well yes, exactly. Go out there. Flirt. Look at men until they look at you haha. Too much stare will feel awkward but a flirtatious glance is always a good idea.
Y: Hahahaha the stare. I love that. Would you flirt at parks?

M: Well, of course! I don’t think there is an exception to the places you go to.
Y: Do you encourage flirting in the club and then leaving your friends behind because you have someone to talk to?

M: Hmm, if my friends don’t have a boyfriend and flirting I don’t care. I am a very supportive friend when it comes to that. I am okay for them to go flirt because I can handle myself. And I really love going out with friends who don’t care if we talk to a lot of people in an event or in a party and they can be independent without me being around. I love hanging out with friends like those.
Y: Ah yes, I think that’s what extroverts do.

M: I don’t think it’s because you are introvert or extrovert. If you think you can’t handle that crowd don’t go. I’ll go. That’s why I don’t ask friends who I know can’t handle that situation because I don’t want to take care of someone when I go out. I want them to be independent. That’s actually my space. I have been there before – I don’t know what the hell I was doing, getting rejected, having a lot of awkward conversations.
Y: Hahaha. Yes that must be shocking for the first time in a huge crowd especially in an event. I was like that too before. I know someone who she dragged me into a corner and we were just seated in the corner and not mingling. I just wished I didn’t go out with her because it became more awkward that we were just in the corner.

M: haha that’s why they are not the ones you go for to ask for help in dating. They usually say a lot but they are so afraid of getting rejected that they’d rather sit in the corner. Well, probably they have already everything they have in life that’s why.
Y: hahaha that’s too ironic

M: I have friends who I go to when it comes to really having a great time and I have friends who I go to when it comes to serious stuff.
Y: Love friends who are like that. We should have all friends like that and be open.

Y: Who do you think should make a move first? Men or Women?
M: This is like a debate for quite sometime and I hear a lot of people talk that men should make the first move because if women make the first move it’s not right. Well, that’s what society dictates. And to that my response is actually a long time ago women were already making a move. When they see a guy they like while walking, they will drop their handkerchief and if the guy saw that you dropped your handkerchief, they will pick it and return to you – so the guy thought they made the first move but it was really the girls who did it.

M: I think that you must put on the bait but not do everything for a guy. For example, I met this guy in a sports event. And he’s going to F1 event too and he’s 20 years older than me but he’s cute. I like older men. So I told him that I was also going there and we should meet and gave him my number. That’s a bold move but I had to do it. I was also thinking that shit I hope he texts me. In the end he did. ๐Ÿ™‚ I was so happy haha
Y: Well, I fully support you 100% in your love life. I trust you with that and I love all your dating stories. Stories worth sharing.

Y: Do you have regrets on how you approach your dating life
M: I have made a lot of mistakes. But I always think that it’s okay – I try to make different kinds of mistakes. I’d like to think that every mistake is a learning opportunity to be better. I always want a relationship but if it’s not right I just can’t waste my time.

Y: I agree. And I hope you blog more about relationships.

M: Relationship is actually a complex subject that I want to discuss further on a separate blog post.
Y: Totally! Anyway, where do you think should we go to meet more men?

M: I really believe that you are meeting men/women everywhere.
Y: Does that mean you have to be everywhere?

M: Well yes, exactly. Go out there. Flirt. Look at men until they look at you haha. Too much stare will feel awkward but a flirtatious glance is always a good idea.
Y: Hahahaha the stare. I love that. Would you flirt at parks?

M: Well, of course! I don’t think there is an exception to the places you go to.
Y: Do you encourage flirting in the club and then leaving your friends behind because you have someone to talk to?

M: Hmm, if my friends don’t have a boyfriend and flirting I don’t care. I am a very supportive friend when it comes to that. I am okay for them to go flirt because I can handle myself. And I really love going out with friends who don’t care if we talk to a lot of people in an event or in a party and they can be independent without me being around. I love hanging out with friends like those.
Y: Ah yes, I think that’s what extroverts do.

M: I don’t think it’s because you are introvert or extrovert. If you think you can’t handle that crowd don’t go. I’ll go. That’s why I don’t ask friends who I know can’t handle that situation because I don’t want to take care of someone when I go out. I want them to be independent of me. That’s actually my space. I have been there before like I don’t know what the hell I was doing, getting rejected, having a lot of awkward conversations.
Y: Hahaha. Yes that must be shocking for the first time in a huge crowd especially in an event. I was like that too before. I know someone who she dragged me into a corner and we were just seated in the corner and not mingling. I just wished I didn’t go out with her because it became more awkward that we were just in the corner.

M: haha that’s why they are not the ones you go for to ask for help in dating. They usually say a lot but they are so afraid of getting rejected that they’d rather sit in the corner. Well, probably they have already everything they have in life that’s why.
Y: hahaha that’s too ironic

M: I have friends who I go to when it comes to really having a great time and I have friends who I go to when it comes to serious stuff.
Y: Love friends who are like that. We should have all friends like that and be open.

Y: Who do you think should make a move first? Men or Women?
M: This is like a debate for quite sometime and I hear a lot of people talk that men should make the first move because if women make the first move it’s not right. And to that my response is actually a long time ago women were already making a move. When they see a guy they like while walking, they will drop their handkerchief and if the guy saw that you dropped your handkerchief, they will pick it and return to the girl – so the guy thought they made the first move but it was really the girls who did it.

M: I think that you must put on the bait but not do everything for a guy. For example, I met this guy in a sports event. And he’s going to F1 event too and he’s 20 years older than me but he’s cute. So I told him that I was also going there and we should meet and gave him my number. That’s a bold move but I had to do it. I was also thinking that shit I hope he texts me. In the end he did. ๐Ÿ™‚ I was so happy haha
Y: Well, I fully support you 100% in your love life. I trust you with that and I love all your dating stories. Stories worth sharing.

Y: Do you have regrets on how you approach your dating life
M: I have made a lot of mistakes. But I always think that it’s okay – to make different mistakes. I like to think that every mistake is a learning opportunity to be better. I always want a relationship but if it’s not right I can’t just waste my time.

Y: I agree. And I hope you blog more about relationships.
M: Regarding relationship, I was reading this book Esther Perel – she is the author of the book Mating in Captivity and she said about this in her book that when we are in a relationship, we turn to this one person to provide what an entire community once did – sense of meaning, continuity, desire. We also expect them to be sexually fulfilling and romantic too. In other words, we look at our partner as everything. When we are lonely, they should be the one that make us happy.
Y: I agree with this. We tend to lean to our partners and all our needs should be met by them when in fact we should see them as our partners, our team mates not our savior. Even financially, I really believe that we should also be independent in a lot of aspects with them. He or she can be your best friend but you also have best friends apart from him.

M: haha I can’t imagine if this guy would be responsible for all the things you do in your life. I know someone who tells everything she does to her boyfriend even her friends lives. It’s really crazy!
Y: That suggest very poor boundaries in a relationship.

M: Yes, absolutely. People in a toxic relationship with no or poor boundaries will avoid responsibility for their partner’s problems. I believe we need to grow separately from our partner too. Some couples get a shock when their bf/gfs get tired of their relationships. They even complain that there is nothing much with their partner or they are so done because it seems like they already know their partner too well and there is nothing mysterious about them anymore.
Y: I believe in the language of desire. It’s the pump that gets you going in a relationship. You think you know your partner but you have no idea. When you are a relationship, you surprise them by doing something you haven’t done before like learning a new language or learning surfing. Your boyfriend would be intrigued by that because he happen not to know that side of you before and that keeps you interesting.

M: Absolutely! And that would encourage them to be part of that progress too. It will probably surprise them. I really do believe that in a relationship you continuously learn. When they start to be in a relationship, they stopped growing as if being a relationship is their final destination.
Y: We are not saying that every month you should have other stuff to do but once in a while spice it up not only in bed but outside of it.

M: I usually see couples who go the gym before and they stopped going because what for? they have already found a partner. It’s funny that the only reason they go to the gym was because of a girl or a guy.
Y: I have a story, let’s just call him G.

M: Why G? G thang? haah
Y: I have no other names to call him. haha So what happened was they used to be in a relationship. And G called me. He was talking about how he and her then gf broke up. He mentioned that “I was there for her when she needed him the most”. And despite of it all she left him. As the conversation goes, I have found out that he also helped her financially, everything he did for her. And I told him, was she the girl you wanted? Were you happy even though despite everything she left you. And as I dived deeper I sorted of wonder if this guy has options. I don’t think he would let this happen if he has options. We know that right?

M: Hmm, I think the guy wants to be her knight in shining armor and that if he fix his partner and save her, he will receive the love he’s always wanted.
Y: The saver in the relationship always solves the problems – not because he actually cares about the problems but because he believes that in order to have attention and affection he needs to fix his partner. This is very conditional and self-sabotaging.

M: Very well-said. It is better to properly communicate. Better way of communicating for the girl if he really loves the guy would be like this “Look, this is my problem and you don’t have to fix this for me”. – it’s taking responsibility for your own problem.
Y: That’s great actually but instead victims and savers use themselves to achieve their emotional highs.

M: I want to conclude this topic by saying that if you want to make sacrifices for your partner it’s because you want to and not you are obliged to.
Y: People with strong boundaries truly understand that it’s unreasonable to expect 2 people to accommodate each other and fulfill their every need. Healthy relationships are not about controlling but rather about partners supporting each other in their individual growth and solving their own problems.

M: It’s true, relationships is actually a complex subject and I want to dive deeply into it soon on a separate blog post. I will call you to check any ideas I have. I am glad we did this again and I miss you. You’re always missing in a group call chat.
Y: haha yes, I am guilty. Will definitely join again next time. Thank you for this worthy chat. I love this and I love you. Talk soon.
M: Love you too.

-FIN