“You cannot be a powerful and life-changing presence to some people without being a joke or an embarrassment to others.”― Mark Manson, Models
Disclaimer: All views expressed on this blog are my own based by my experience and do not represent of any entity with which I have been, am now or will be affiliated.
December 02 – Panamericana Singapore
Everyone of us wants to meet the right guy. But few of us don’t want to become one. Few of us don’t want to take the responsibility in doing the needed action of finding him.
2 years ago I began on a mission – to find the right guy for me. I probably obsessed too much over to this part of my life where I already have my no bullshit guide in finding him. It is still a wonderful journey of discovering the robust vision of who I am.
After stumbling through unhealthy relationships over the next. I have learned that in order to find someone amazing, you have to become an amazing person first.
I am going to share some of my no bullshit guide in dating. I still use it even times of pandemic.
#1 It’s because of you 😛
Finding a guy is not just about finding a guy. It is about living a life. People who live passionate lives are inherently sexy and attractive.
I always believe that the key to making it work is the balance between being high value and being proactive.
It is so funny whenever people advise me that maybe the right guy is in a different continent and I should look for him elsewhere. Fuck that advice, Men are everywhere and I can meet them anywhere. For years, I blamed the environment, people around me and circumstances for not meeting men and it is still not working out. But the truth is, it’s about me. If we accept that there are things we need to work on for ourselves and we are responsible for our feelings and actions, meeting people is just an easy and fun thing to do.
Once you nurture and love yourself, you fill up your own cup. You will have that magnetic energy when people want to be just around you. People can feel what you feel about yourself.
Letting go of the outcome is so much easier, I call it life now. Finding myself in the pursuit of the right guy is the best gift I have ever received. I will still keep on improving because that makes me happy.
#2- Don’t wait, create.
The worst advice I have ever received was to wait for the right person to come along. The perfect time to start is always now, today. Nothing is gained by waiting until all circumstances are just right before we take action.
We always make excuses that we can’t talk to anyone because of certain reasons, this procrastination is common. I once had this before where I gave a bunch of excuses – I ended up wasting my time and making no progress.
You can meet people everywhere – coffeeshop, elevator, library, movie house. People especially men are everywhere.
I have set a ritual that whenever I go out I have to meet and talk to anyone and get their names. I always make it a point to establish ritual and make a narrative that I found love because I set out to find love and make it happen. I always want to put myself on the path of luck.
I have made friends, got a job, dated great men, gained new skills, gained new perspective and gained confidence in myself because I put myself out there.
The people who wait are playing it safe, they don’t want to risk rejection. But rejection can be very powerful and can gain so much self-confidence when you pass through that stage. Only two things come to those who wait: the wrong thing or no thing.
#3 – Playing Hard-to-Get is a myth
My eyes are already rolling when a person tells me to do this. This is one of the worst tactics in getting the guy. Pretending you are uninterested or always too busy. Being aloof is playacting. The attraction is built towards the chase not about me. When a woman relies heavily in creating attraction just by the thrill of the chase, she is often pursued by men who has low self-respect who just wanted to get laid.
To me, making the first ssmove is okay. You won’t make all the actions that a guy is supposed to do. Just a tiny bit so he knows it’s okay to talk to you. Based from my experience, men are not really good in picking up on body language cues, they are just outside hoping to get through the night without looking like an idiot. So many girls put so much emphasis and overestimate the guys confidence level – to be honest they are not that confident in approaching women. Men if they truly like someone, they just can’t talk to them just because you look at them once. Just by saying hi or making that look (sexy look :p) are enough for him to know that he can come by and talk to you. I’ll show you how, talk to me once you read this blog. I’ll put you under my wing haha 😉
#4 Build social network
We need to build social network. Building a social network doesn’t mean we go out every night of the week. It just meant we have to make our social time, a quality social time. It is not about the amount of time we have, it’s about the intensity with which we use it.
I always make sure when I go to parties, bar or social function I talk to people. I don’t waste the day or evening standing around and staring at my phone or flock to cover like mice in the corner. I always go to networking event to exercise my social muscle. Although at times I get nervous too – I just slow it down, make some eye contact and smile. It always begins with small interactions. When it is not a great crowd, I can always go home. 🙂
Have friends that when you go to parties they don’t mind you talking to a lot of people and encourage you to go out and have fun once in a while. Don’t choose people who make you feel guilty when you are enjoying the night but they are left in the corner drinking their iced lemon tea. haha
#5 – Say yes to things
People are always inviting us to events, but we always say no because of different reasons – we’re too busy, we don’t have the time and energy or simply because it is not our thing.
I was this girl before. While I was reading The Yes Man book I had an epiphany and I started saying yes to new things, new hobbies, opportunities and life. I even hiked the highest mountain in Southeast Asia because I just said yes.
What I am trying to point out is that saying yes will open up our world and will also give us a chance to exercise our social muscles because you get to speak to a lot of people and you have other things to talk about. When you meet someone you truly like it is just so natural to you.
#6- Online dating is not the only way to find and meet people
I am a big proponent of a flesh and blood connection. Although dating app is a tool that we can use to filter men who want to date and it is not impossible to find the love of your life there – I just don’t only use dating apps to just meet men.
I am a bit romantic when it comes to my love life. I want it to grow organically not based on just an app. I want to share a narrative that I met him one day doing the thing that we both like, we found each other attractive, we exchanged names, numbers, flirted, have great dinner, have steamy sex and brunch after 🙂 And yes let’s not forget beer. 😉 This risk taking approach is the beauty of meeting people on the outside world.
I value my time so much and online dating for me is a lot of first dates, too many options accompanied by bios that really don’t matter in the long run and heavily edited photos.
If ever you are going to use dating apps, just make sure you meet in person and use a paid app – so you can filter men who want to get laid vs those who want to connect.
#7- Be a great storyteller to connect deeply
Every relationship always begins with a conversation, so we just need to start making too many of them.
It is only not where we go but what we do when we are there. Exposing ourselves is one thing but it won’t help if we go out and glued ourselves in one corner of the room. Being sociable has nothing to do with whether you are an introvert or extrovert. Talking to people is a skill, it is not changing who you are.
I am an introvert. I like to be on my own at times. Whenever I go out and meet a lot of people I wanted to be alone in a week. I can be an extrovert because I have already developed that skill of enjoying the outside and human interaction. I am still in the process of improving that skill until now.
Whenever I see people who are good conversation starters, I always think that they are just good because they do it regularly. They are not good because they have some magical method or great conversation pieces.
I went to a networking event last year. 2019 was the year when I started taking risks and saying yes to things. During that time, I had a few conversations about people who travel a lot and there I found out that I can’t even connect because I have only been to Bintan for the past 3 years of my life working here. It was so funny now thinking about it because of that I have gone to places now. I realized that you don’t have to be there to know, you can read a book. You don’t have to be an expert in a particular activity to talk about it, just by doing it once you can be sharing a lot.
It always starts by being interested in the conversation. A lot of my conversations go nowhere. I had a lot of awkward conversations. It doesn’t mean that when I talk to someone he would be the best person I would ever meet.
In order to connect to someone, you don’t have to ask too many questions like a job interview or getting a police report. You do it because it is better for your soul, you want to give value not take away from them. I don’t fear the outcome, my only intent is to be sociable.
#8 Get good at being rejected
The thought of speaking to a stranger that happened to be particularly attractive, smart and popular feels impossible to me.
People around me before had screwed up beliefs that the only reason you should be talking to someone was because I needed some practical reason to or they would think that I was creepy if I smiled at them or talked to them. I also believed this too.
I struggled social anxiety when I was young and until I reached my adult life. I just stayed home and watched TV or listened to songs repeatedly. My life was driven by fear.
My emotions were defined by reality. Since it felt like people didn’t want to talk to me, I came to believe that people didn’t want to talk to me. I was also defined by people’s perception of me – a needy behavior.
What I have found out is that I put men in pedestal. For me, they are just good looking and the guy I want has other traits and values than just good looks and perfect chiseled abs.
I always have the mindset when I go on dates that instead of putting so much thought if they would like me, I should wonder if I’d like them first. It reduces the anxiety and helps me think clearly. If anything goes wrong, at least I can move on and found out sooner that he is not the right guy for me.
#9 – Neediness is a major turn off
Neediness is when a person places a higher priority on other’s perception of her other than her perception of herself. A non-needy person will primarily be motivated by embodying her own values and beliefs.
I should not be willing to sacrifice my own thoughts, feelings and motivations for someone else more than they sacrifice for me. A woman with a lot of neediness is like a woman with bad breath and no teeth.
Highly needed women will often be in a relationship with highly needed men.
#10- Have an abundance mindset
When you meet a lot of men, you put less focus in just one guy. In that approach, I help put the odds in my favor.
Scarcity makes us settle. If you believe that there aren’t many good guys out there, you’ll invest far too much in the first decent man you will meet even if he is far from being the right one. For me options lead to choice and confidence.
I usually do this on dates, I go out a lot and meet a lot of men. And then I filter them. The guys going on the next stage are the guys who I am attracted and so on until I just reach one guy. It is so much fun.
It’s okay to have options but once you are intimate with one, be prepared to let go of the other options so you can already focus with the one you are intimate with. Men, not all but if they know you are exercising your other options while being intimate with them would typically go away.
#11 – Vulnerability is sexy
When people hear about the word vulnerability, they always associate it with weakness. Being vulnerable does not mean you have to share your deepest insecurities and secrets. It is just by putting yourself where you can be rejected, asserting an opinion that can hurt others, introducing yourself to people you don’t know. To me it is very courageous and builds up inner confidence.
For my entire life, I was terrified of people not liking me. The thought of people rejecting me makes me cower in bed and think about it a lot. As a result, every aspect of my life revolve to people-pleasing and blaming others. And because of that, I had no success with men and in life.
Being vulnerable is scary, embarrassing, and difficult. The first time that you are going to try to talk to the person you like and rejects you will be a painful process – a nerve wracking moment. But it will only get better once you put yourself out there and embrace the process.
Training yourself to be out there and do vulnerability does not happen over night. We should always take rejection as opportunity for growth. We accept and move on. Life will be a lot easier when we let go and be open.
#12 – Don’t be the guys best girl buddy, be the bitch he wants to fuck.
People get stuck in a dreaded friendzone. Some women are gifted at becoming a guy’s bestfriend. They have endless supply of male friends whom they hang out with but their relationship is stuck there and not going romantically anywhere. This is because attraction requires more than just connection. It requires sexual tension which of course only comes from being comfortable with our sexuality.
Let’s try not to be relationship coach. Let us disagree with them, get physical with them, have some desire language and don’t come running whenever he calls. When a guy is looking at you romantically, he’s always wondering what sex is like with you, even before the first date.
I don’t fuck friends, if ever we are intimate that meant you are someone special to me. Or I can call whenever there is a need haha
#13- Invest and test
Don’t invest in a guy on how much you like them, invest based on how much they invest in you. I did this wrongly before when I was doing a lot for a guy and he did nothing because I was already doing everything for him. I realized that I overinvested because I was in love for someone’s potential instead of a person in front of me.
I have seen this over and over to my friends who were not even in a relationship but chose their dates over friends. It is such a very needy behavior. I actually get turned off as a friend that another friend is doing this.
This is not a game, it is just smart dating. Men like to be around with women they have earned not the girl he will keep stringing along and bend backwards in order to please him.
#14 – Texting in early stages of dating
I met a lot of guys who only text to validate themselves -the emoji guys, the people who text you after a week and say they miss you, the guys who respond after 2 days.
I used to get mad with men when they didn’t respond to my messages early on, flakey and low investment. That was my insecurity back then. I realized now that these guys didn’t even know me too well to be that much invested. I just met them on dating apps or bar few weeks ago. They don’t know me, they don’t know how much happy I can make them. This does not mean that these men are bad people, they just don’t like me as of the moment that’s all. I don’t put so much thought into this now or reply to these people because it is just a waste of my time. I just move forward.
Texting for me is only for entertainment (involves flirting, sending cute photos, letting him know that you are thinking of him, any romantic texts that make his heart soar and making each other laugh) and logistics (when to see each other next). Idle chit-chat is saved for in person meeting and phone conversation. Any other things are a waste of time.
#15 – Make him earn you
When a man is attracted to a woman, he should be affected by her and invested in her. That is the reason that we go to a relationship – to be touched and moved by others. That’s the fun of it! I don’t want to suck the fun of it.
Men need to impress you. They need to feel that they possess something special to the woman that they want to be around.
#16 – Get the bill
Men don’t mind paying on dates but it will help them to know that you are his partner and would initiate to just pay. You don’t really have to pay, just the gesture of paying is enough for men. Guys who go Dutch and don’t pay for your meal are just not that good of a date for me. Guys want to impress you. I will never have sex with a guy who don’t even try to impress me. Don’t date men who are not trying to impress you. Women should initiate to pay the bill so he will know you are his teammate and not just a girl who don’t give a shit. Even if a guy don’t have money he will try to impress you, you can eat to hawker or whatever just for the sake of impressing you.
#17- Be an enigma
Being unpredictable is one of the sexiest traits you could give to a guy. I remember some of my friends before have lives of their own before they had boyfriends. And once they get attached – all of their hobbies, interests, all of the things that made them interesting were lost and they also lost their spark.
I experimented on this side of me for so long. I just don’t want to be the nice girl. I want to be nice and bad ;). I don’t want to be just smart. I want to be smart and nurturing. Sexy and playful. Funny and understanding. I like showing different sides of me because it makes me more interesting and valuable. I want my guy to know that I am just not the average girl he would meet.
We should not stop moving to our own rhythm just because we found someone.
#18 – Let’s talk about sex
I really don’t care how soon you have sex with a guy. Sex is a fragile thing in a relationship. I believe that we should not only be there for a guy emotionally but also sexually.
Sexual confidence is not the same as sexual experience. It is not about knowing everything but the willingness to enjoy sex. It has variety, sex is a game that I am willing to play. The bedroom is a playground where we can play in complete comfort. We all must be willing to play and be open about this. A man who is getting his sexual needs fulfilled and feels like he can do the things he fantasizes about is living the dream of most guys. It is crucial to adopt an attitude of never say never (well of course it really depends with suggestion – if you think it is offensive or abusive then don’t do it). Letting them talk dirty is enough and letting them know you are open is great option too.
#19 – Detach yourself from the outcome
Love is one of the greatest sources of happiness. But life is not all about love. Going on dates and meeting people is about getting a life that matters to me. The things that we do in creating a life will strengthen our self worth and will improve all areas of our lives.
Live your life. When you are detached from the expectations and you always think of meeting the right guy, you will be frustrated when you have not yet found any. That is the reason why so many people get so tired in dating because they only have a goal – to find a guy. But the truth is, dating is life. You have to live your life in the pursuit of finding the one. Continuous self-improvement. When you detach yourself from finding the one you will find that it is more fun and interesting to pursue the goal.
When you want something, that meant you are lacking of it. We should always embrace self-improvement. We should always believe in our own value and everything in life will just follow. Your love life will get better, your friendships and your ability to set and pursue your personal goal. It is true. I have witnessed it.
#20- It’s not only physical but attitude
I always reason before that I am not worthy enough, I am not fit enough, I am not pretty enough. I find these words so disturbing. I say this to myself but I never say this to other people. I should be more encouraging to myself.
You can also work on yourself while dating.
I have learned that how you carry yourself matters or your physical attributes but it’s not that all. A lot of pretty girls I know can’t even find the guy they are looking for despite of how pretty they are. Usually, since people are handsome and pretty they forget to improve on other parts of their lives because they are so used to getting attention they forget that there are other things more interesting than just their face.
#21- Make him a man and he will treat you as his woman
Men like to fuck women who make them feel like they are the GUY. Confident guys want to feel special around you. Playing to his masculinity exudes your femininity. Some women don’t want to build guy’s confidence too much because they think that striking men’s ego will make them cocky and they might look somewhere else. I believe this is a losing philosophy. Making a guy special is not a ridiculous idea.
The more he can be 100% around you, the more irreplaceable you are in every way in his mind. I always find someone special when I can feel the most free and I would want my guy to feel this way too when he is with me.
#22- Be independent of him
Most people are starving to receive something from a man that they need to give to themselves.
Don’t try to change a guy. If he has plans to see his guy friends, let him be. Have a life of your own apart of him. It will look you more interesting. When he is always free to go, he will feel lucky. And so are you.
Sharing with yourself with someone does not mean just occupying the same area physically. It means opening up about your values, desires, feelings and dreams.
#23 Value your time
I am more afraid of losing time than losing someone. The thing I am most afraid of is time – wasting time with the wrong person. I am so good in ditching the wrong people in my life and I have never regretted single ounce of it. I will find love sooner when I eliminate the wrong guys faster. Get good a ditching the wrong guys sooner and you will find love quicker.
Men are already telling you what they want early on – pay attention. When it comes to love, men and women have different timetables.
I don’t jump the gun and run to a relationship mode. I like to grow things organically. Some guys may panic when you rush into a relationship or when you move things too quickly.
#24- Don’t pretend you like casual
I have met a lot of men who were into casual sex, I like it too but it gets really boring and predictable. Most men who do this too are not really that exciting. I will never be excited for a guy who only wants me for sex.
Some of the people I know were always get caught in a casual trap and they stay there for long. I can’t blame them, I was also like that before. I always listen to what they say and what they do. What they say and what they do should always match. If they like me, they will say it and they will do it. These are the 2 things I follow:
When they tell you they don’t want commitment but treat you as a girlfriend – listen to their words not their action. So many men I have met will always tell you they don’t want commitment early on because they don’t want to be the bad guy anymore. They were always blamed for not being upfront about their intentions that’s why they don’t want to be the bad guy anymore so at least when they told you they don’t want a relationship at least they have told you, it’s up to you now to take it.
When men tell you they like you but treat you like a piece of shit – A total waste of time.
#25- The right guy
Meaningful relationship is worth pursuing. If I don’t have it, there’s plenty of other meaning in my life. If I do have it, it’s a great addition to my life. I would not shut out myself to be out there and meet people just because of status quo.
The right guy is the right guy because he will always choose me whatever the circumstances. We will choose each other. 🙂
Maria, sometimes Niskie