Disclaimer: All views expressed on this blog are our own based on our own experiences and do not represent of any entity with which we have been, are now or will be affiliated. This is not an advice blog.
May 01, 2021
Y: Hello!! I have been waiting for this conversation blog again.
M: It’s been a while. I am excited to be doing this with you and congratulations on doing a Vlog, finally!! So proud of you.
Y: Thank you! I am really happy with the move. Anyway, I’d like to talk about three things today: sex, sex, and sex.
M: Haha. We need a 50 hour conversation with sex alone!
Y: I know, right? haha so tell me. You are in a long distance right now, must be tough huh?
M: Hmm, it has always been difficult not being around your partner – not just sex but just being around them.
Y: It is quite hard especially you don’t know what the both of you are really doing. You need to have a lot of trust.
M: Trust is one thing – but what I have realized from my dating experience was that you don’t control your partner – how they feel about you, their thoughts and reactions and your future. I can only control what I can control – myself, how I respond to what they are doing.
Y: I believe that trust is creating space – space for mistakes, growth, emotions.
M: Exactly, I think so many people thought that trust is people should be perfect – they can’t have mood swings, they should be “the one” – there is no the one, you make them your “the one”. No one will make him the one for you. We all have flaws. I realized this when I was dating and when they miss out on some things – I walked away and it was chaos, man! I thought it was their fault all along but it was me. I should take ownership of how I respond to things and not be rattled by how I felt just because a guy didn’t text me for 5 hours, does not mean they were fucking someone else.
Y: Haha! You told me before about texting. Can you tell me about that?
M: Hahaha, people will think I was crazy. So, when a guy did not text me for let’s say 3 hours, I would not think that they were just busy – I’d think that he was cheating on me – that was my insecurity. So I had to work on that, build a strong foundation of confidence beneath that insecurity. I realized that I was so afraid of losing someone because I thought they validate how happy I can be, when I worked on it internally, you know what? I can do something to my life too, if they wanted to become part of my life, I’d let them in but if they don’t, I’d be happy too. I want to live my life, create a meaningful life that someone wants to be a part of and when I meet someone, they can just be an additional part of it so, with or without them I’d still going to be okay. I’d be sad, of course, if it would not work out, but with all the experiences that I had – I realized that I don’t want to be alone forever, I want to be with someone who will choose me everyday and I will choose him just the same. So, if a guy will not do the same for me, I will carry on with a smile on my face because he’s probably completed the mission he has in my life. And I don’t own anyone, I want to create that space to anyone I am going to meet. I can’t save them, it’s their responsibility to work on themselves and even though it’s like that we still choose to be with each other. They are free to do whatever they want, I don’t control them. I will create space for mistakes and betrayal – this does not mean I am ok with cheating. When they create mistakes and found that out, I’d probably communicate that and what to do about it and if I can’t really point out the root cause and understand it I think I have fulfilled the chapter of my life with them.
Y: Wow, very strong and confident approach. Do you get a lot of people asking you for advice regarding dating and sex?
M: I don’t offer advice, I feel like we all have our own journey. I ask a lot of questions to why they came up about that anxiety in relationship and I always tell them to parent themselves, give themselves what they needed from others. I tell them about control, we get really so disappointed because we want to be in charge of our dating lives but we are not. We are so fixated of the outcome instead of just enjoying the process. So my response was always my dating principles. I often ask questions because I want them to know the answers by themselves – to be self-aware and to take responsibility.
Y: I know, I actually love the dating principles. But what really struck me the most was about living your life. We are so engrossed that someone will save us from all our miseries, that we will find the one and only one. But the truth is we are going to find a lot of the ones, it’s all up to us to let him be the one.
M: Exactly my point! We are so in love with the drama of someone saving us from all our miseries andprince charming who will save us and bring us the castle haha.
Y: Haha more like a sand castle but that’s still cute though. And the issues are right there from the beginning, if you don’t like the issues, communicate and if you still can’t stand it then you can communicate that it is not working for you. That is the difference about straight couples vs gay couples. As a gay, we communicate this early on especially sex but with straight couples it’s almost like you just have vaginal sex and that’s it. It’s given, I don’t think there is a girl telling a guy that you know what, I am not into vaginal sex haha.
M: Haha! that is too funny!! Sex is a very controversial topic to some and they find it shameful.
Y: We are so open with this – we communicate what we want, what we need and we really care about the relationship we are building.
M: I never really think of that before until such time I immersed myself in the discussion and observed them. And yes, you are right. I know people who are both insertive and receptive in sex but they still work things out because they are not ashamed of talking about that to each other and find an alternative.
Y: Yes, I think you are talking about both bottoms and both tops and still be in a relationship for more than 10 years. I really believe that straight couples should adopt some of our strategies in bed. We are giving, game with anything but of course within reason and also, we strive to be good in whatever we are doing.
M: Exactly!! Let us dive deeper into that. I like that approach. I truly believe you tell your partner your fantasies – if your partner judge you for that, you let go. I remember a girl once asked me what to do with her partner who was not good in bed, and I asked what did she mean by not good, because good to me is (is this person giving, game and really good). So, she said that they always do the same position – I don’t want to go into detail but just imagine a guy who just wanted to fuck you for the sake of it. So I said to communicate it with him or just be in control. What I meant by communicate was – tell your partner “I really like it when you take me from behind the kitchen table” if your partner care about pleasuring you, he will get this (it’s just an example!). So what happened was, the guy told her that he can’t change because it is who he was as a person and so many more excuses. So I just asked her, was she willing to tolerate this? and why didn’t she find someone else? She could not find answers for this, but there was only one answer – she wasn’t aware what she wanted because of her confidence. We have to work on that too so I told her about it. The ending was they broke up and I couldn’t really be happy for her.
Y: Haha omg, you tell people to find someone else? hahaha
M: Of course. I don’t want them to waste their time. Time is very precious, we can’t take that back. I don’t want people to waste their time to somebody who is not giving them what they want.
Y: hahaha! This sounds really funny because I have never heard someone say that in a very straight forward way.
M: Well, see – your partner should satisfy you in bed and you should also do the same- relationships are not all about sex, of course. But if it is really bad – that’s 80% of your relationship. I know couples who are not into sex – but because they have a game, we can do bjs or hand jobs and they are okay with that – I am not okay just with these but some people are okay with those and we let them be. But if you are complaining to me or telling me issues with sex, that meant you are not satisfied. Some people pretend, and I don’t want to pretend that I am really happy in bed when I am dying every time we fck, I can’t do that. Sex is really important to me.
Y: Yes, let’s dive deep into the game, good and giving. I think Dan Savage, the sex columnist say this best but it’s true game – within reason.
M: How deep?
Y: Deep trot! haha
M: Hahaha everybody loves deep. Anyway, I agree with that – good in bed, giving because sometimes you are not really into doing BJs but your partner likes it so you do it with them first and wait for your turn to be eaten. Or the other way around like I don’t want to do anything so they’ll be in control.
Y: That’s my point and game within reason is that if you are into anal – you try to do it, if that really hurts you then don’t do it and communicate it to your partner, find something else be it using sex toys etc. What I always hear about my straight friends is that they haven’t tried anal, yet they tell their partners they don’t want it. And good of course, give them the best sex of their lives – be open.
M: I really like talking to you about this. I always call you and gays to talk about these things and I am not judged which I find very liberating.
Y: You know, you can always count on me with this with proper illustrations! hahaha
M: You are the best!
Y: I wish we could have a podcast where we can answer questions for people.
M: That’s a great idea! Anyway, let’s talk about this again soon I am actually sleepy. I sleep so early now omg! haha I get up early and I sleep so early!
Y: Is this Stoicism?
M: Haha No, it’s just me, but I wrote about that in my blog. I fell in love with it. I just want to end this conversation that I wish we could embrace polarities more. Let’s embrace paradox, sometimes in relationship we have to do the usual things we have been doing and sometimes the opposite when it’s called for. We don’t have to be one thing all the time. For example, I like routines but I also like spontaneity when I need to do it. In life, we need to parent ourselves, give yourself what you needed from others so we don’t just dump our emotional baggage to others. It’s not their responsibility to make us happy. It is already our fault if we don’t deal with these issues in ourselves.
Y: I want to talk about coming out next in our conversation.
M: I’d love that! Mom and I are going to have our own conversations for the upcoming Mother’s day.
Y: What are you going to talk about?
M: It’s not probably sex haha but family, parenting, kids. Let’s see where our conversation goes.
Y: haha okay, can’t wait. Good night. Love you. Ta-ta!
M: Love you. Good night.
Maria, sometimes Niskie and This Beks Bakes