Disclaimer: All views expressed on this blog are our own based on our own experiences and do not represent of any entity with which we have been, are now or will be affiliated. This is not an advice blog.

May 08, 2021

N: Happy Mother’s day, ma! I love you!
M: Thank you, I love you too. Wish you were here!

N: I wish too, it’s been crazy not being able to see everyone physically – I am just really tired of walking in the nature just my own. I might get a dog to walk with in time haha. Did you receive the photos of the cats who were running around with me when I was walking here? It just felt really good. I never really liked cats but I liked them that time.
M: Yes, saw that, they were really cute and I understand how you feel. I didn’t even think you are going to last as a country girl – I was a bit worried that you went from being on your own, doing your own thing to just a different world of birds, sunsets and trees.

N: hahaha, that is too funny and very straightforward. I am surviving but you received a lot of complaints from the first few days and meditation helped me to hush it out and just enjoy the moment.
M: I know, it was very shocking. haha It was very shocking you are trying to do things you were not like before. When you were a kid, I saw you as a very strong kid, wanted differently from others – you have your own way, wanted your hairstyle to be different than your classmates, very competitive academically, and wanted people to like you – I remember you were competing for pageants and you wrongly answer one of the questions, you lost it. You did not want to do it anymore.
N: Hahaha! I totally forgot about competing in beauty contests and I was a kid. But yeah I forgot I had those before.
M: Hahaha you were so cute. And yes, the seed was there before, it just needed awakening. And I remember, you were the first one to leave and be on your own at 16.
N: Ah yes totally, but that time, I was very dependent. I needed to rely on my parents financially until I finished college. I was just talking about that to Lewdan and I didn’t realize until then that wow, I was so young to be far away from home. Lived with people I barely knew. And as I was doing that in college, I remember I wanted to graduate and help the family out.
M: And everyone did which I am grateful for. I am really glad that you have become a stronger and more confident woman.
N: Thanks, ma. I feel like that is what everyone’s wish for themselves. I’d like to talk about relationships specifically marriage with you. Not that, I want to be married anytime soon but I am excited about being in a relationship and going to be there. I really think that marriage is like a lottery, you probably are not going to win. hahaha But if you win, the ticket is really worth buying.
M: Hahaha that is really funny! Me and your dad have been married for 33 years. Thinking about it now, despite the challenges we had together, I still find that being together will enrich my life more than being separated with him. My life is better for having him in my life and I am still going to choose him in spite of the rest of the guys out there. It is really about choosing.

N: Wow, that is the most romantic thing I have ever heard. Thank you for sharing that. I talk a lot about relationships in my blog. I talked to a lot of people who got divorced, in a committed relationship, married couples, who have been in a very long term relationships. And these people are my role models. What made it work for you and dad?
M: Love is about focus – the opposite of love is indifference not hate. See, a lot of people think that marriage is hard – but the truth is, if you consider paying attention hard, then marriage is hard. I think it is for every relationship not only marriage. It’s like losing weight is not hard, maintaining your weight is. Illness, adversity, day to day communication with each other, if you don’t pay attention it’s going to slip.
N: Yes I am actually inspired by your relationship with dad. I saw you and him really maintaining that focus, being for each other, cheering each other all the way. It’s really – I don’t even know what to say but thank you, mom. Thank you for everything you did for me and for our family. I just don’t know if I’d survive my depression if it weren’t for you – you were there for me all through out and when I saw that, I just thought you know what? you were very tired but you kept pushing on. That strength you showed me of wanting to go further, having the immense hope that it’s going to be alright and I really felt you needed me to fight for my life. I just wanted you to know that you saved me. When I look back in my life, it’s not the men that I’ve met or the mountains I climbed or being good at my work that stuck with me through out these years but those little moments – the moments we shared just eating a piece of cake together, the difficulty we embraced and how we fight for each other. So, I just always remind myself of those moments and I wanted to live to have more of those with you. I love you very much.
M: Awww, you are making me cry. Thank you so much and I love you too.
N: Let’s finish this blog first then you can cry hahahaha
M: That was one of your crazy moments, your depression but look at you now – very strong, confident, and know what she wants. I never really thought you are going to be creative and write.
N: I never thought of that one too, I like writing – makes me more upfront with myself. It’s where I get my flow, I forgot everything but just be engaged with how I feel and what I need to be doing.
M: You must have inspired people. You inspire me.
N: Thank you. My family is my pillar of my strength.
M: I hope that we inspire you to be in a relationship.
N: Hahaha. I want to fall in love, I think that is a very exciting journey to be in a relationship, making sacrifices for them and taking care of them. And even marriage to me is I think very exciting – I want to have one in time. But before I get there, I need to be so pragmatic about it. Like, is this the person I really want to have sex with for the rest of my life? I think we should ask some basic questions to ourselves and to our partners- people never really ask about those kind of questions, we are so ashamed of it, It is very uncomfortable telling your partner, “hey this is not working out for me anymore because I don’t feel you care about me when you did this etc.. Well, maybe what their definition of care is different than mine.” Let’s talk about that. Knowing what you need and being fearless enough to talk about those. Am I going to get married because she just got pregnant? Am I going to get married because I don’t want to be alone? Because marriage is not the answer to those. You can have sex without getting married and you can still feel alone in marriage.
M: Candor and realness are two things. Before, marriage is used to preserve wealth like the Game of Thrones TV series. Then, it became a romantic notion through entertainment media. It is about being in love and just about that feeling. People were consumed by that model, and everyone wants a piece of it and next thing you knew, they didn’t know that marriage is not all about just feeling. There is so much more than that – finances, adversity, kids, work. Whatever you have, that’s going to be 50% of that of your partner. If you buy a watch, 50% of that is your husband’s too.
N: I agree with that, I’ve seen a friend really struggled dealing with a divorce. I was like a therapist talking to her weekly without fees ahhaah. People really don’t think about this when they are going to get married. It is like signing up a contract you don’t know of. It is like the terms of service in the mobile app that you just scroll over because it’s too long and they contain intricate statements but you just press accept to get it over done with and then all of a sudden things change and the woman you are with, you don’t want them anymore because you did not sign up for that contract hahaaha – but it’s there, dumbass, you were just not paying attention. I think that every marriage is going to end – death or divorce. I want to be married that is going to end in death. And I believe that we are most alive in the presence of losing, when we think of we are going to lose somebody – we do something to preserve anything for that relationship. And I think we need to have that dedication for someone.
M: Exactly, you can be in a relationship now. Hahahaha!
N: I am always in a relationship with people, it is really up to me to up my game with them. Because to be honest, I am just going with the flow, I am so detached to the outcome that I forgot oh shit I need to do something about it haha. And the little disconnection – it’s death by a thousand cuts if we really don’t pay attention to our partner’s needs.
M: We all have flaws and someone sees your blind spots. It is really up to the 2 individuals if is it better to see these blind spots together or with just by yourself. And I think that is where you need to choose. It is always choosing, is it better together or apart? It’s really hard when talking about uncomfortable things, but we need more of that now to improve, to make sense of, to grow. You are doing great for seeing these things now, some of the people have no idea about relationships and what they are signing up for. You really have to take it easy.
N: Thanks, ma. I like this conversation. I want more conversation about relationships with the family.
M: I know that you have awaken something in yourself when you got out of depression.
N: If I am going to give my younger self an advice, I’d probably tell her that it’s going to be alright. My depression was my spiritual awakening, I remember my spirit was so low – I was very unhappy despite the fact that so many people were there for me who supported me. I was not self-aware and I was very much into control. I get really frustrated when things go wrong and I had to learn to let go and surrender – it took me 7 years – I stumbled and fall and I keep on stumbling again and learning – it is really an on going process. I am not in control. I can only control what my reactions, how I see things. And I see things so bright, ma. And so many people taught me about love, faith, hope and compassion. So this is really a wonderful world to be in. I hated this before. But I’m very happy so I just want to impart what I have experienced through story telling. Thank you, thank you for not giving up on me. It was one hell of a ride. We made it! Wooohoo!!
M: Huhuhu. I love you hope we can cuddle like my baby girl.
N: Hahhaa I miss mom’s cuddles huhuhu. I love you. What are your plans? Are you going to have alfresco dinner or Yves is going to cook for everyone?
M: My favorite half son will cook for us. I am really happy he is here.
N: Yes, he represents me and Lewdan. haha Can’t wait to be together soon, I have to go now. Talk to you again. I love you.
M: Okay, ta-ta!! I love you too!!
N: Haha everyone says ta-ta now. Anyway, goodnight. Take care.

Maria, sometimes Niskie and Mom