Disclaimer: All views expressed on this blog are our own based on our own experiences and do not represent of any entity with which we have been, are now or will be affiliated. This is not an advice blog.
Why for my blog: My blog about relationship is going to be my compass. There will be difficult things that will happen in my life that I am going to be divorced to this wisdom. I know that the future me is going to need to remember this because I know I will frequently going to fall short of what I know – because I’m a human being 🙂
“The real voyage of discovery consists, not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” – Marcel Proust
May 23, 2021
We’re going to have a lot of relationships in our lives, some of us are going to have it with different people, some of us are going to have it with the same person. Some people find their new by constantly seeking the next relationship and the next relationship. It’s all about me. If you would have asked me 3 years ago about sacrificing something for someone, I would have answered fuck that, they should do something to me first. I realized that we have our own phase in our lives. I never wanted to commit. I liked the idea of playing – I was actually really good at it 🙂
I think my phase of understanding about relationship more is this year. I’ve changed my views in relationships through the years. I now understand the reason why I needed to come back home. I have to assess what is really happening in my life and I realized that love is the answer to most of the questions in my heart. This would not have been made possible if I did not give first, my passion about understanding people, reading, engaging in conversations, being of service to others.
This blog is all about the concept of relationships – how we can win back and love again.
THE CONCEPT OF THE ONE
It is actually hard for me to think that in a 7 billion people on earth we are ordained to meet the only one. I really think there is absurdity to this concept. I believe we are going to meet a lot of potentials. The one for me is going to become the one based on what we build together.
I get a lot of questions of people getting frustrated that they were dating someone and they told me “this guy was really nice to me but he said he was not ready” – my answer – the right guy for you will always be ready. Find someone else. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t talked a lot about how to properly communicate when someone we liked was not giving us what we wanted. I will talk more about communication in some of my blogs.
MORE IS LOST IN INDECISION THAN WRONG DECISION
I believe that answers are reward for doing shit in a relationship. We always wait for someone to do something for us before we move and if we don’t see it’s moving , we leave instead of getting the car moving and get the answer.
If we want clarity to a relationship we are not sure of – give your all for 3 months or 6 months. See what happens. If it doesn’t work out, then at least you did something for someone you care for and then you are courageous enough to walk away if they did not choose you.
CREATING THE SAFETY OF THE KNOWN IS IRONICALLY THE REASON RELATIONSHIP END
We have to ask brave questions. We thought we know a lot about our friends, family or partner. I think the idea of safety and security in the relationship should really make us uncomfortable. We want the idea of being safe, they are not going to leave etc. We have made this relationship so cozy that there is no sense of enigma anymore. We want them to be so known but the truth is people change. People around us keep changing. I believe we need to create a space to the unknown, that will make us focus and see our partner, friends or family in different lens. Of course some of their attitude will never change and we have to accept that too. We appreciate more people when we know we are going to lose them anytime.
LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP
I have met men who were really going to risk LDRs but I was the only one who were not in anyway interested in LDR with them. I do believe LDR is hard especially physical intimacy is highly important in relationship. I also believe that it works if there is an end to the distance. Therefore, we should be asking difficult questions -are we willing to sacrifice something for this person – that meant your life? I understand this is too early to tell in early stages of dating but are we supposed to think of the other person and see them in our future? So if you are really interested in somebody, you should ask if you are willing to make sacrifices for them not only in LDR but in every aspect of relationship. It will hurt if it won’t work out but that’s actually the beauty of choosing someone despite of the challenges and being aware this is actually part of the journey.
When men tell me that “you know, LDR doesn’t work for me” and a bunch of excuses- I can only show compassion to them and tell myself that this guy is not interested in me to make it work and that makes him not the right guy and I can move on.
VULNERABILTY VS DUMPING
So many conflate vulnerability to being dramatic and emotionally dependent to their partners. I have met so many people who dumps every fucking problems they have to their boyfriends emotionally. Let us not confuse vulnerability to emotional dumping. Vulnerability is “I felt jealous when you were sharing your story about this person that I don’t know about” and your partner would understand and comfort you that there is no need to be jealous but after 20 minutes you tell them again and after 5 days you mention it again – it became cyclical of emotional dependence.
We should be responsible to patch these wounds internally, our partners are just there to be supportive but they are not there to fix us. They will not make you happy, they can help but they can’t fucking fix you. So do your work.
DATING WITH INTEGRITY
I have talked about infidelity in my blog, I want to emphasize again that although I am being compassionate about people who does this I don’t encourage dating married men or dating men in a relationship. I have been approached by men who craves passion, affection, excitement in relationship that they never had in their original ones. I actually have a script for them – I tell them upfront or I tell them in text. “I can’t deny that you are an attractive person but this is not who I am. I can’t date someone who is still attached even though you tell me you both are struggling/separated in bed – this is not my drama and I want to be excluded in this narrative. Fix yourself first and your relationship. If in time you have already moved on and decided to really end the relationship, you can come back to me. If I am still single, let’s have fun. I like having fun ;)” – this is actually verbatim. If you want, you can use it, very effective and your standard to this person will be so high they will like you more hahaha. It is very hard if the guy is very attractive and usually they are sometimes I wish I didn’t know so I can just have sex with them hahaha *I’m kidding*
I met a lot of people who was also engaged to this and some of them were not really admitting it to themselves but that’s fine, it’s our ego. Let us always remember that we want to be in a relationship with someone who is 100% with us not 10% or 20%. And besides observing people who were engaged to being the 3rd – it rarely works out. The only reason it happened was because people long for something and usually they get it because that was their only focus not the whole picture. If ever the marriage/relationship of the person did not work out, it’s probably not going to work out with the other girl/boy neither because everything that s/he got suddenly lost it’s power because there is no more mystery anymore. There is a lot of psychology behind it but will go in depth next time.
The people I know always freak out whenever they go on a date and it doesn’t work out and I always tell them there are a lot more men, relax. They would give me excuses that “we have chemistry”. Yes, but the chemistry will not push you anywhere, find someone who builds. We are so afraid of going out there because we thought that the person in front of us will give us everything we want. We need to be more intentional when we date. If our intention is to find someone who will we spend our lives with – I understand this is just too serious in the very first few dates but if that’s what you want you should be honest with this. Hey, I’m looking for something serious right now, I’m getting older and I don’t want to be alone. It will probably scare the person ahah but that’s good, you already know that he’s not the one for you.
Meet more men, if the guy you’re with is not giving you what you want speak to them in a very nice way and let them know what you need of them. If they want to move things with you they would build with you. We should not be afraid of losing people because we have already invested time and energy for them. We should be more afraid of the time we are going to lose if we found out a little later than sooner that they are not really looking for a relationship. It sucks but if we don’t enjoy dating and meeting people we are really going to be burn out.
I always tell my friends that instead of fixing our mind to the outcome of dating that it should work, why don’t we just enjoy the moment. Oh, this guy met me today how cool is that? I can learn from him. or maybe if it’s a good date I can have sex with him. Who knows? But live your life. Create a life that people want to become a part of. Build your life. 😉
There is always an illusion that if we hold on something too tightly we’re not going to lose them. Holding on too tightly can kill a person literally and figuratively. In a relationship, there is always going to be a party that you are not a part of or friends that you are not friends with but that’s alright. We can’t play surveillance in a person’s life, we can only let go.
I am going to make peace and I am going to deal this courageously if my partner meets someone else. I will be strong enough to handle any situation, to walk away if they don’t choose me because of other people. Let’s show up in a moment that we give them space and we take risk.
The threat in relationship is always imminent. There is always a possibility that a lot of people in our lives are not going to be with us forever. Some will disappoint us, some will cheat. Let us not live our lives worrying about something less likely to happen – but a guarantee is to have a solace that no person in the world has no threat. We always personalize the threat and it’s our ego all the time. I talk a lot about ego because I learned about it recently. If you want to learn more about ego, I suggest you read Ego is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday. A very Stoic approach.
Life is not black and white. Heartbreak is like a part of you has died inside. When we tell our friends, loved ones, colleagues that we lost someone or left us, we are very sympathetic about this – we are there for them and gave them time off. But after few weeks and they asked us how we were, I couldn’t socially say that I haven’t yet moved on. The reason as well for not telling how we really felt was because we don’t hear enough vulnerability to other people. I have moved on from the pain after 7 years – that really took long to be very honest with you but I am not ashamed to admit this now. It is really a process but that doesn’t mean I have feelings for someone or I can’t give myself to somebody and try. It just took a while because I don’t have the tools and tactics to help me move on. I get it now. There is no short cut to moving on. It is going to play out for sometime but that’s alright.
I approach heart breaks now as I haven’t lost what’s meant for me. I find it easier to accept it as it is. I also learned to forgive myself for the things I did, to be aware and take responsibility of what happened. Everything that happened is not always about me. The people around will love me for who I am and will give me multiple chances. It is a process, take it one step at a time, learn from people who have gone through what you are going through, listen and ask help.
I don’t believe that I have to marry my bestfriend. First of all, I am not going to have sex with my bestfriend – that would make us bestfriends with benefits haha :P. I will have my own set of friends, my community, my life. But at the same time, I know there will be a lot of sacrifices but that’s alright. I can do anything for love, if I can’t I maybe needing support to some haha. We are going to be very honest with each other for sure – with kindness and compassion to whatever we are going to talk about. I don’t want to dump everything to my husband. Sometimes, he doesn’t need to know everything. haha
I believe that if I am truly committed to someone a piece of paper will not justify my love for him. I don’t need to shout it to the whole world that I sacrificed my life for this person and I am going to give my 100% to making it work – I’m saying it in my blog now though. haha Instagram, FB or any of those things will not dictate how much a person means to me. However, upon talking to a lot of married couples who are not religious and very logical – they told me that when they get married it is like a different commitment, they have galvanized the commitment that we can’t just throw the towel so quickly. We really have to work on this together until death.
Some people just get married because of ego – society expects it from them, parents, friends, getting pregnant, religious etc. I believe there is an organic progression of the love that we find in relationships that it will lead to marriage. I don’t want to be forced together in unnatural way or fear based mindset that I know will always lead to bad decision.
The goal of marriage is to have deeply committed relationship with my ultimate teammate. 🙂
The dating experiences I had and the constantly seeking answers have changed my perspective in relationships entirely. I was often asked why men suddenly changed their minds from not wanting to commit to all of a sudden being in a committed relationship. I can actually relate to that. It doesn’t mean they met the perfect person or this person created a magic potion to change their minds but the answer is that they are actually in the phase of their lives that they are ready to try it again. It took me years to really process and say yes to a person that I am going to be willing to make sacrifices for and to really tell myself I’d do everything to make it work.
It is actually an exciting journey to be able to do and feel this again. It’s time to build my castle with the help of another builder. 🙂
Maria, sometimes Niskie