Disclaimer: All views expressed on this blog are my own based on my own experiences and do not represent of any entity with which we have been, are now or will be affiliated. I am not a dating coach and this is not an advice blog.
“The girl really worth having won’t wait for anybody” – F. Scott Fitzgerald
June 03, 2021
It started out just any ordinary day. I was talking to some of the people closest to me a couple of weeks back and we were talking about relationships they had and how funny it was looking back.
I realized how endlessly fascinating relationships are that is why I keep understanding and exploring it. I believe that knowledge is power and more importantly knowledge saves us time. When I was 25 yrs old, I spent hours and hours obsessing what the guy I liked meant when he said things that didn’t mean anything, countless hours waiting for a text back, mixed messages meant that I thought I was in love. I realized that this is what happens, we go out with someone we truly like, over time they do something that disappoint us then we go into a hyper excuse why they do what they do but I can honestly tell you right now – relationships are not that complicated – the simplest explanation is the answer – he is just not that into you.
I have put together the stories that I have heard and based from my experiences in deciphering the he’s just not into you concept.
1. The I’m so busy type of guy
If you are dating a guy who always say he is busy but he is busy doing other things. He is telling the truth, he has no time – no time for you. Whatever he does that keeps him busy, that is what he is choosing instead of meeting you. Stop wondering if you can get more time with this person, we should always live our lives. If he sees that you can have your own independent life, you’d be more attractive.
2. You are too available
When we don’t see anyone else, we get tunnel vision into just one guy even though he is not the right one. I know someone that she cancelled all her plans just to be with the guy she liked because she liked him and I told her before that this guy was not really moving things forward with her and as much as he liked him, she needed to meet other men.
We can always like someone but when they are not investing, that is the time we step back and see it from a bird’s eye view – they are not that interested in us, it sucks to know that someone you like is not that interested in you but we will be fine, we can like them regardless but we will still find the right guy who will like us too as much as we like them.
When the guy you liked noticed that you are living your life that is the time he’d think that he has met his equal.
3. If you try too hard, you will push him away
When we like someone, we tend to try harder in order for them to like us. But I really believe it is always the wrong move to try harder for someone who doesn’t want us. The moment that we try harder, that is the moment that we lose our self-respect. They are no better than us, so we should not put them in pedestal. When we try harder, it is never guarantee that they will like us back but when we go out there and live our lives and still like them regardless – I can guarantee that he will very much pay attention because he can see that you are living your life, not the girl who he can keep stringing along.
4. The guy who travels a lot
I met a lot of travelers, some of them wanted to commit and some of them gave a bunch of reasons. Therefore I concluded that it’s not the distance that will make a guy confuse on how much they are willing to invest in you. A guy who wants you would want you despite the distance, he will make a way – that’s the truth. I understand some of the excuses are legitimate – they are valid but I always think of the easiest explanation beyond those reasons. The easiest explanation to all those reasons are simply they are just not that interested. So let’s live our lives and find the right guy.
5. The guys who can’t commit because they are having problems emotionally
Some of the people I know told me that the guys they liked gave them excuses on why they couldn’t commit – they were having issues with work, parents, culture, race, emotional issues etc. When a guy tells you reasons they can’t commit, some girls will see those as problems – for example I am so busy right now and have less time so what we do is find time for them and find solution. It is not a problem to be solved. The guy you wanted gave you an answer, you should move forward with your life not with a guy who doesn’t give you what you need. It is not our responsibility to give a solution to the reasons a guy provided us. If a guy tells you, I want to be with you BUT *reasons* – you show compassion, – okay that’s fair you can still like them regardless but find someone else – we should not waste our time figuring out why men can’t invest. They are not investing because they are just not into us. We should always assume that whatever their answers now will be their answers in the future.
6. The fuck buddies
I remember telling someone that we should not be the one making our way over to a guy’s place who just wanted us for sex. They should come to us, on our terms. If we are free, we tell them not the other way around – they are just your fuck buddies. You just fuck them, that’s all. No feelings attached 😉 I’d like to dive deeper into this but in some parts of my blog.
7. I don’t know how to call this relationship kind of guys
I really like honesty in relationship – asking a guy what they think your relationship is going. I realized that men are really good avoiders but not good liars. They will try to avoid the conversation because it is easier not to but when you ask them – they give you an honest answer. I have met some guys who didn’t know what to call our relationship and of course when I got rejected meaning they told me I’m not sure – I did not get hysterical. They told me the truth which is great but at the same time it’s painful to hear especially if you feel strongly about them. But you have to be strong enough and trust yourself that you’d walk away when they did not give you the answers you need.
This is also at times a selfish agenda when the guy you are dating seems to not know what he wanted in the both of you and this is not the vision of what romantic relationship really is to me. If this guy is my person, they would leave me with no doubts as to how much they wanted me.
8. Flakers/the guy who doesn’t value your time
I used to get so mad when someone flakes on me on a date but I don’t care anymore now. I always think if they just met me 2 days ago in a bar, dating app or in a cafe they’d probably not that invested in me. These people don’t know how much I can make them happy so why should I get so affected. When I changed that mindset, I become more compassionate that it’s nothing personal. It’s just them.
I want to also include here the people who don’t value your time. Time – we can never have much of it so we need to really value our time because no one else will. My time is not precious to these guys than mine. I remember a guy once told me when I asked him for dinner before that he would check first with his colleague if they would see each other before he comes back to me. And my response was, “it’s okay – I will make other plans”. In my head during that time was – I will not wait for someone to prioritize me. I will live my life.
9. The 11pm date guy
When a guy asks you for a date at 11pm – it is either he is an idiot for asking you out in an inconvenient timing or you are if you say yes to this. But of course, you would not tell them in a sarcastic way – you can be sweet as pie but brutal in your action
10. The men who ghost you
Too many people wants closure – but this is the best example of closure I can think of. We shouldn’t ask for closure – the fact that this person just got lost is in fact a closure in itself. It is a bad behavior and you should really ask yourself if this is the guy you really want.
I would also like to add here the men who text you that they miss you after being on a hiatus haha – these guys are the validate me type of men who just wanted attention because you still give it to them. When they text you “I am thinking of you” – reply “thank you that is so sweet of you” and nothing more. You texting them meant you are not affected by this kind of texts – you are strong enough to still be sweet but always be brutal in your action. Don’t waste time with these guys, they will waste your time and energy. Some people would also ask me why they are still there if they did not even want you in the first place- my answer is of course you let them, you still talk to them like as if you are the girlfriend they never had.
11. Too sexual too soon
It is not true that when you sleep with a guy on a first date it will not progress into a relationship- some of the long term relationships and marriages started in sleeping together on a first date. Sometimes when you in fact have sex and you like what happened you will do it again 😉 I love sex but it changes it’s meaning when I have feelings for someone. There is really no formula to when you should be physical with a guy but I suggest to others that if they don’t want it to be in a casual phase don’t have sex too soon.
I just really don’t care about having sex with someone I am attracted to – may it be 1st date – it doesn’t make you easy, it just makes you a sexual being. See, my definition of easy is this – I will always break my standards in order to please somebody – whenever they want it they can have it on their terms because I don’t want to be confrontational and difficult, having sex is not easy to me because I feel really attracted to someone and we are having fun – I don’t want to suck the fun out of it.
Life can be complicated but life is not long enough when you meet the right person. People will come up with logical reasons why they can’t invest right now, why they need to take a break, whatever logistical reasons – you are far apart, busy schedules etc. They maybe giving us a logically sounded reason. We have to step back and notice that there is only 1 language that really matters which is what I feel someone is actually trying. When men tell you why they can’t see you, we tend to rationalize and solve the story because there is a story in our head, but you see story is dangerous just like feelings – we created a story before it ever happened – instead of watching a story unfold.
If you only focus in this moment and you ignore the bigger goals in the future it is a big pain if they don’t want to become part of your future. The goal is not a temporary relationship. We need to always be confident to put ourselves out there and state what our needs to the guy we are so into. We should always be strong enough to have the conversations – tough conversations and we let go and continue living our lives when we hear the answer – it is painful to be rejected but it is more painful when you don’t meet your person because you stick around to a guy who doesn’t give you what you need. Let us avoid wasting our time to the wrong guys for us. It doesn’t mean you are not a good woman or they are bad men- we have to accept that we are just not a match to these men.
to be continued with my brother’s conversation – we will answer dating questions in my next blog 🙂
Maria, sometimes Niskie