Disclaimer: All views expressed on this blog are our own based on our own experiences and do not represent of any entity with which we have been, are now or will be affiliated. We are not dating coaches and this is not an advice blog.
June 08, 2021
N: Happy birthday! 🙂
Y: Thank you. Felt so loved! haha
N: Glad you enjoyed your day.
Y: Yes and going to be talking to you again. Let’s answer some dating questions we have gathered from people.
N: Let’s do it! What is the first question.
Y: So, I have this question from Letty: “I have met this guy and we hit it off pretty quickly and we have been together for almost 6 months but he is older than me – I am 30 and he is 52, the problem is that I can’t understand him – whenever I asked him where our relationship is going, he kept referencing his feelings to sex and I really find it so shallow. What do you think about this?
N: I see, I think men are far less aware or comfortable discussing emotional intimacy than women are, they often discuss intimacy in terms of sex – this is actually pretty true with older men like old school men 50s above. And therefore they may appear shallow. This guy might have felt really disconnected and unwanted by the women he hang around with before like maybe his ex-wife if he had one or past girlfriends. As you know, men don’t want to talk about love socially. Men are not supposed to feel weak, they wouldn’t tell you that they felt unwanted and unloved instead they will talk about sex a lot. I think Letty should translate the discussion about sex. She can dive deeper to the issues for this guy. I think she has to discuss about how he feels close to you. I fully understand that the root cause is not about sex, there has got to be root cause. If he feels disconnected, they would often keep referencing it to distance and sex. Men are just not walking penises you know? A lot of men did not develop the communication tools to recognize what intimacy feels like. We have to talk to these guys so they’d drop this macho act. But let me speak with Letty this week. I will reach out to her.
Y: Oh wow, thank you I did not know these things. But thank you for informing me.
N: Anytime. Let us answer 4 more questions and I will sleep.
Y: The second question is from Gerald: “I met this girl and I really like her. She is awesome and we have been dating for almost a year and I feel like we are going too fast and I am freaked out by it. I have been married once and got divorced and the thought of marriage and getting close really make me feel anxious. It is very hard to get divorced you know? It is painful.”
N: I believe that this guy has been rejected before and the thought of closeness seems really weird to him. The pain that he had gone through with the divorce is still there – the idea of getting too close, his insecurity and anxiety is spiraling. He is very anxious of the idea of intimacy but he is allowed to say that to his girlfriend if he is not yet ready. He can tell the girl he is dating about what happened – he has to be honest and I think he is just a little bit freaked out by the fact that this girl was very different from all the girls he met because he was probably attracting toxic girls before. He has to recognize bad relationships to good ones.
It has been culturally acceptable to make sweeping judgments when our hearts have been ripped out. Women often say that men only care about sex and men would often say women are crazy – unstable. But these people don’t realize the one thing that is so easy to see. Every person you date has one thing in common – you. If all the the people you date are crazy, then it is time to ask the hard question. If you feel broken, you are more comfortable with broken people. And when you meet someone who is stable then holy shit we don’t know what to do with them.
If you want a stable girlfriend, you have to be honest with her what’s going on – she will probably understand and honesty doesn’t have to be so serious all the time. I understand this vulnerability is not easy especially if we have a fucked up past – as we all. The pain that Gerald is feeling is a boundary violation – the more pain that we experience, the more that we distrust others and we protect ourselves. It is hard to experience intimacy with someone new, leaving ourselves to be attracted to those who are mostly likely to hurt us.
Y: Another question: “How do I break off with a guy, he is married and we are seeing each other, he told me they are already having problems and I couldn’t let go because I have feelings for this guy now and we have been sharing our experiences and stories in depth. I feel like he knows me deeply. However, he was caught by his wife and we tried to have space. He said that he wanted divorce but he and his wife are still trying to make it work – they are doing couple’s therapy now, the divorce is still not progressing and I don’t know what else to do but we still talk until now and he still tells me he couldn’t be with his wife anymore”.
N: For the sake of talking about infidelity again – this girl’s feeling of walking away is not rocket science. The goal is to end this and so she can finally move on. I really want to be anti cupid and destroyer of the romantic world relationships especially like this one. The important decision in your life is who your partner is. Self-awareness is a fundamental skill. We are biased of our own emotions, we will always overlook the red flag behaviors. People cheat because something is broken. Cheating has become an outlet to them. Unfortunately, this girl is stuck in a bridge waiting for him to make a decision. But, this guy has a lot of bridges that he did not even want to cross. This guy has a chronic case of not taking responsibility to his relationships. Infidelity starts with poorest boundaries but it perpetuates poorest boundaries because of discretion. Let us cut out the entanglement. Toxic relationships are fragile – they depend on constantly validating one another to survive and as soon as the person refuses to play the game things will unravel pretty quickly. I want to talk to her privately.
Y: Yeah that’s a good approach holy shit you know too much now haha do you spot red flags immediately?
N: Yes gosh haha. I can almost spot them after 2 days. I remember dating this guy -we bar hopped and I thought oh wow this was pretty good – I can drink. And then few dates in I realized he drinks too much and I was so freaked out by that so I told him about it and I remembered Oh yeah, we always went out drinking what do I expect? He will drink coffee now? So, early stages of dating, we have to fucking pay attention. I have always believe that relationship end the way it began. Perfect example is the one I mentioned earlier.
Y: What would you say to people who say like wtf why would I even believe you know anything about relationships, you are not even in one and you are not a dating coach? You are maybe just great in theory because there is no stress.
N: First of all, being in a relationship does not define the wisdom you have in relationships. Even if you are divorced, married, in a relationship or have kids. Because if they did, they can give you wise counsel but they cannot. The foundation of the relationship is understanding women and men and how they coexist. We have to understand people first. I don’t expect people to listen to me – take what resonates. I just know that I speak the truth. I have been studying relationships, I talk to a lot of people, I go on dates, I experiment. I am not here to convince anyone. Because to be honest, I can have sex anytime I want or be in a relationship any day of the week but the point is not to get in a relationship but to be with the right one and that requires process, patience and sacrifice. I am held to a higher standards – I am not just looking for housemate. I am looking for a teammate.
Y: Beautifully said like me! haha
Y: I have last question for you – from Michel “I met this guy and after getting to know him after 6 months, I had to move to another country which makes us not see each other after pandemic, I want our relationship to progress but he told me that if only there is no pandemic it would be easier to plan/decide and it would be easier to see each other. I don’t know what to do, I really like him and I am afraid to lose him”
N: First of all, is this guy in prison and needed to break free just to see you and to progress the relationship? He is just simply a guy who has different values and standards for what relationship is to you. He even said some Shakespearean reasons “If you could be together it would be easier to decide” and yet here you are romanticizing the fact that when this pandemic is over I would do everything for him. This guy just wants to be a hero on the way out. They want to be the hero. He still wants to be heroic and noble on the way out. Let us not give power to this people and we should always recognize that they are just a person who can’t give us what we needed. Ask yourself to make it easy to decide – if I were them and I feel strongly for you would you be able to make sacrifices and fly over to see you – and if you are answering yes and the reality is he is not doing anything – then you have to let go. Let go of this person and find a beautiful person who can actually give you what you want. Do not think that your standards are inconvenience. I really want to talk about boundaries again in my blog.
Y: Yes, I think you are really right there.
N: Sometimes, when we feel strongly about the person we cloud our judgment but I actually don’t want this kind of treatment to anyone. I can smell the toxicity of this guy so I hope she can decide – it will be easier if she accepts her reality and let go of the fantasy she has in her head.
Y: Btw, do you have to be happy and complete to be in a relationship? Like do a lot of self-improvements.
N: I don’t think so – you can work on yourself and date. I believe that you need to help your partner if they are having problems emotionally and guide them but they should be aware that it is not your responsibility to make them happy. I was so crazy with self-improvements before and I realized this year that the reason why I had become happier was because the people around me, I started giving first to others – I think that is really the key. Well of course, you have to make room for self-improvements but don’t forget the people around you as well. Give without expecting anything in return – you will see that life is so much beautiful than just having sex. 2nd is sex btw hahaha
Y: Hahaha! We will have another conversation about that.
N: I’m excited. I will sleep now.