Disclaimer: All views expressed on this blog are my own based on my own experiences and do not represent of any entity with which I have been, are now or will be affiliated.

“Death ends a life, but not our relationship, our love, or our hope.”
― David Kessler, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief

July 04, 2021
Philippines

My why for this blog: To find meaning after my losses, to share my grief and to grow around it, to honor the people who has shared their lives momentarily with me so I can share the lessons they have imparted me – life, love and hope.

I dedicate this blog to the people who have become inspiration in my life, I wouldn’t be who I am without them.

I think this is one of the most difficult blog I have ever written. I have lost so many people who had become part of my life. It is such a very sad thing to experience – loss. Not just losing your love ones but also loss in relationships, work, dreams, sickness, loss of a pet or any kind of loss. I always ask myself why this happens and how do I find meaning to such loss – it is so heartbreaking.

As hard as I try, the reality is people may not understand my grief – they don’t know how to be depressed, I don’t know how it feels for someone who have lost their moms, their kids, their marriages. But I think the most important thing is not for me to compare grief. I need to let go of expectations that they get it. I’d rather share my grief in the stories that the people whom I’ve lost have shared with me – life, hope and love.

This is in honor of the people who made my life extra special. I can’t thank you enough. You will always be in my heart.

1.Nanay Mely

Our second mom, nanay means mother. She took care of us (Lewdan, Yves and me) and poured her whole attention to us – how can someone took care of kids not her own? That is something a lot of people don’t have but she gave it to us. She was such an amazing woman – generous, kind, selfless and loving. Nanay, your smile still lingers in my heart as I am writing this. I know my brother Yves couldn’t take your loss than mine but thank you. You showed me what love, kindness and generosity meant. I know I was the most stubborn of the three of us but you showed me utmost attention that you think I deserve. I love you, nay! You will always be in my heart and I will continue to live my life with the values and lessons you imparted.

2.Pilimon/Fevs

My high school bff. We have lost contact since 2005. He messaged again recently and I was so guilty because I always thought he was making fun of me with his jokes so I always thought he was lying so I ignored him sometimes. But he was still persistent and stayed with me. I wish I could have seen him but it’s too late. He taught me to be happy and live life. Just live and make people happy – that’s who he was. He’s just there for you. He will always be in my heart and I will always treasure the gift of friendship he imparted me because that’s what friends are for – they will always be there for you whether you are happy or sad and they will drive 4 hours just to drink beer with you. I love you, Pilimon!

3.Daddy Rick

I joined a BPO company in the Philippines as a Customer Service Representative and I couldn’t remember if Daddy was my teammate because we used to talk a lot during work breaks. He became my 2nd dad at work and I used to tell him my broken life stories and how I was handling my depression and I will never forget that he told me to appreciate myself and date more men. I am now, daddy Rick! hahaha. I wish I could have told you my dating stories. Thank you for being my dad in my very first work and I will always treasure the values you have shared – to love others so you can love yourself more, to take care of yourself so you can take care those around you. You will always be in my heart and I will keep on sharing my dating stories because you were one of those who believed how worthy I am. I love you, Daddy!

4.Ate Olive

After 3 years in a call center world, I met Ate Olive in 2015. She was a breast cancer survivor. I used to smoke before and she’s my smoking buddy. She’s a rock and roll mom. The smoking area was where we used to have in depth conversation about life – you shared your fight with cancer and your family. I saw how resilient you were and you’ve told me to take life easy because we will never know when will be our last day so we live life. Thank you for the life lesson you shared me. I am living my life now, you know. I wish you could have seen that. Thank you and I love you.

5. TL Don

TL means Team Leader, TL Don was my very first manager. I was so young joining his competitive team but our team didn’t see competition. We saw camaraderie. We saw that we can have fun while being the best so we strive and work together as a team. I will never forget when you told me that when I pointed out someone’s fault, I should make sure that I was not doing those faults too because I am not perfect and if I were working hard that meant I should show more compassion because it’s hard that’s why maybe some people’s ability to cope was different than mine. Thank you for the lessons you have shared in those 2 years we worked together – to be responsible in my actions, to be the leader I wish I could be and work hard. Thanks TL and I love you.

Loss is not a gift or a test. Loss is what happens in life. Meaning does not require understanding – it is personal. Meaningful connections can replace painful memories in time. I don’t have to go through this grief but grow through this. I will be honoring these people who have shared their wonderful values with me. I wouldn’t be who I am without them. They don’t die fully. We don’t recover from loss, we learn to live with it. Grieve fully and live fully. Their time on earth is over but my life continues and I can only be so curious how my story unfolds.

If I had my life to live over again, I would find these people sooner so there will be more stories to tell and love them longer.

Love,
Maria, sometimes Niskie