Disclaimer: All views expressed on this blog are my own based on my own experiences and do not represent of any entity with which I have been, are now or will be affiliated.
August 15, 2021
People are now living in the swipe culture, a modern approach in dating. An app can now tell you who’s your perfect match by just putting random photos, some garbage bio and a swipe. People in the dating app has no clue what they are doing. You can already have an access to the single men/women within a 2km radius. In a world where there are too many options, yet no single great choice but series of disappointments – ghosting, lack of depth in values, nonsense and incessant texting conversations etc. There is too much noise and you can never really rely to scarcity to be special.
In late 2018, I began to have my own journey in the dating app world. In my blog My No Bullshit Guide in Dating, I mentioned that I am a big proponent of a flesh and blood connection. However, dating app is also a tool you can use to meet men by changing your intention, by investing. My intention was just very different than others when I was there. I was only craving intimacy and I realized in the process that I didn’t want to commit. I was not committed in the process of making a relationship work.
I used to think that being single meant being alone instead of choosing the types of relationships I wanted to be in, including the relationship I have with myself.
There were good men I have met in dating apps that made an important pivot in my life. Here are my dating stories and lessons based from an app.
The men online just wanted to have sex – a myth
Many women tell me that the men online just wanted to have sex and in my head, isn’t that great they are sexually attracted to you? and guess what, men outside of the app wanted to have sex too just FYI haha! We need to be more comfortable in our sexuality, when you do – conversations about sex is just a part of who we are and there is far better conversations than just sex.
If it is 2 inches hard on then yes, YEESSS size matters and nobody fucking cares if he is a good kisser.
Liking someone changes the experience in bed -a myth
Some people tell me that when you like someone, it is better experience in bed – well, screw that. It may change the meaning but it will never change the experience. I don’t know where they get that from but a person who is truly great in bed doesn’t have to like you to be great in it. A person you love that is not passionate in bed will blind you to thinking in a long run that it is just okay, so pay attention. Sex is very important to me, not all is about sex, but, even if I like someone so much I will know if he doesn’t fuck me right and I’d communicate that to him.
Do not be fooled into thinking that you can change people’s minds when they tell you that they were just looking for a fuck buddy even if they call you baby or they gave you flowers. Pay attention to what they say, it should always match what they do. Consistency is the key! And there is no such thing as monogamous fuck buddy. What the fuck is that? Fuck buddy is a derogatory form of relationship, you don’t invest in it and you don’t put so much thought into that. They wanted to play then play but don’t give them the benefits of someone special.
I knew someone who dated a guy who wanted to be in an open relationship with her and she agreed, later on, she realized it is not really her thing and asked the guy if they could be in a monogamous relationship. I already knew that my friend’s heart was going to break. The guy agreed and she later found out he was seeing someone else. The lesson here is that an open relationship will not suddenly become an exclusive one and don’t pretend to not care when you really wanted exclusivity so you won’t get hurt in the process.
Since it is an online app, a lot of people provides celebrity photos so they can fool you or they edit their photos to look good in photos. If this is the case, I suggest meeting up first or video call.
Sea of Garbage
As I mentioned earlier, there are a lot of options but not great choice but you only have to change the intent. Out of the sea of garbage, there might be a diamond there who knows, right? Keep looking. If you want a guy, you will never get tired if your intentions are right.
I usually met men who wanted to impress rather than connect. When a guy does that it is something the guy wanted you to feel by the end of the date for themselves. It was not really about you, it was about him too. I met men when on dates, sparks were flying. We were together for 24 hours, dancing in the rain haha! (those were the days). It felt so good that I thought it felt right. We were having such a great time. I based the feelings on the sparks and spike of chemistry and not who this person really was. Not really getting to know him in depth. I almost went to South Africa to be with a guy haha! We realized it was just full on chemistry. But I was still glad it happened. It was one of my dating stories worth sharing.
Too many options
I was enjoying the validation I get by dating multiple men until such time that I became a player who doesn’t give a shit about how they feel about me. I just play along. I did not care about them. How should I? I have more options, I can end one and be with another one in just a swipe.
I love options, it makes you not focus into just one guy and especially if he is not the right one but that really depends on your intentions.
I used the app for my own validation. My goal was to find the right guy for me but I ended up playing with a lot of potential men. I called a friend before and I told him that I wanted to apologize to the men I have dated but I already forgot who they were and there were too many of them hahaha! It was one hell of a good year in the app and then I moved to meeting men in the flesh came 2019. I found it more exciting, meaningful and sexier.
I don’t value sex as much as others value it. I actually just go on dates and have sex so I have stories to tell if I was attracted to the guy. When I feel sexual and the guy felt it too let’s do it. However, based from my experience, I think it would be better to slow down in sex. I met a great deal of men who really can wait until 1-2 months to get to know you first. So since I am not using the app anymore, I’d probably wait until the guy is ready because I will always be ready for sex. hahaha!
Expanding horizons – curiosity, learning something new, being open
I have met a lot of potential men in the app. They opened me up to opportunities, to be curious, to be ambitious, to learn something new and be free. These men see me when my self-worth was low. They encouraged me to be curious, they listen to my stories even though I did not have travel stories to tell. They really made me feel good about myself that I continue learning and growing.
Based from my experience, I learned that in order to be ready, I don’t have to wait for the stars to align. I should make up my mind that it’s time, it’s time for me to be serious. I have learned this when I met a guy in Singapore (he is not based on the app) but he made me re-evaluate how I view the kind of relationship I really wanted. I met him and I just wanted to have fun and came pandemic, he saw me, I began opening up, I began being excited for someone and to understand him. I began to just focus with one and get to know him deeper. Our conversations turned to have depth, he was happy for me, I was happy for him. I was excited yet again that I have missed that kind of flow of getting to know someone and not in a rush. He made me want to go on a date in the future with purpose, to be intentional, to not judge people quickly, to really see someone.
I always thought I was a great person but it wasn’t true. You could be kind and dumb and you can hurt a lot of people. I want to be intentional in what I do now. I want to have a genuine relationship skills, to build relationship competence so when I go out there again I can face this with certainty and meaning. I am actually excited for what’s ahead. It can break me but what the hell, it’s still a life worth living. For every serious relationship, there is only 1 person, not more than that. That is the beauty of relationships, they determine the quality of our lives. It’s time to create my romantic story with intent. It is the right time 🙂
Maria, sometimes Niskie