Disclaimer: All views expressed on this blog are my own based on my own experiences and do not represent of any entity with which I have been, are now or will be affiliated
March 19, 2022
I have been blogging about relationships, giving advice to people of how and what to do to find great relationships especially love, not knowing when I would find it myself. I’ve been asked countless times: “Why are you still single?”, “How come you’re not yet married or have kids?” I don’t want these questions pressure to push me into making a decision that wasn’t right for me.
I wanted it to come from a place of knowing what was it that I really wanted and needed when I choose a life partner, I still haven’t found IT. I haven’t found the one that I really wanted and needed. I wish it was really easy, but it’s really not. When you become very lonely and hopeless, you settle for someone. I don’t want to settle, I want to settle on to someone who I am sure of not because I needed to fill in that void of loneliness.
I received a lot of complaints from people that dating is difficult, but is it really difficult to date? Too many people are experiencing dating burnout and relationship frustrations that they just wanted to remain single and they are proud of saying that they are happy. But, I disagree. You can be happy when you are single, but you can’t be happy if you remain single.
I remember talking to a friend who used to go on dates a lot and I asked him, why of all the girls you chose her? Because at that time, I was also dating a lot but I couldn’t picked one. For me, I will never pick this girl for my friend. I can see the things I don’t like early on. So, I was quite shocked about his decision. I was like dude, what happened to great sex? (because when you’re single, the sex should and will always be great) haha What really struck me the most was when he told me that it’s her and he finally decided he wanted to try to make this work with her. And he told me when I’m ready, I’d understand. This was so funny to me back then because all I can think of was how stupid he was for choosing her. Although their relationship did not work out, I finally understood what he meant.
When I look at my brother’s marriage, with their day-to-day routine, it actually seem less romantic than all my dating experience combined. Dating is all about romance and grand gestures. Being in a relationship with someone or marriage may seem so boring, but I realized that for the most part it’s a state of comfort and acceptance. It’s quietly romantic – she makes him coffee, goes to vet with him, they listen to each other, put up with each others quirks, they are there for each other.
I realized that even I am happy while single, I am forgetting so much to life than just great sex (but well of course, can we still include that?) haha. Kidding aside, I felt a sudden loneliness (insert the tune of Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day) haha this year. I have a fulfilling job, great friends and family, cute and sweet dogs, amazing home/apartment, and no shortage of dates. So what if I haven’t found the one yet? But what if I don’t find him? or worse, what if I already found him but I just didn’t realize it. I didn’t quite realized how selfish and afraid I was all along. I was dating too much, wanted to experience more in life, more activities. In an attempt to not making a bad decision, I got in the way by doing things that could potentially hurt people’s feelings, leaving them instead of sorting out the difference. Heck, I even experimented on dates – not knowing I have hurt a lot of people during these experiments – no killing involved haha!. Human beings are not science labs.
But juggling too much is a dangerous game. I have lived my life like this for an extended amount of time. So, when I find someone, even if I really felt something for this person, I still wouldn’t know how to make the shift of making time. I don’t know how to create the balance and make it all work. I will end up losing out when I don’t figure out how to make space ahead of time. Hoping someone to magically fit in my life and be convenient so that I am still allowed to do the things I wanted will set my future relationship to failure. I am now practicing relationship habits, thinking of other people before me, making time and being patient.
We also need to get out of “dysfunctional childhoods” as an excuse for why we grow up to be dysfunctional and mistreat other people we claim we love or we care about. The mistake I made was I thought I was looking for a perfect partner before, if the person didn’t tick all the boxes I wanted him to be, I find someone else. I realized that perfect partners aren’t picked in margins. I just need to choose an amazing fit.
Everyone loves saying when you raise your standards, when you read, when you do self-development, when you grow up, your pool of people shrinks and it’s hard to meet someone that’s on your level – I have said this a couple of times. Everyone feels wrong for me because I was so judgmental. But I do think that the more open I become, the more I have accepted myself and my own flaws, my history, the way I color my hair, I don’t see certain things with disgust and shame anymore. When I started embracing who I am, I started looking at other people with less judgment, I started becoming open. I start seeing good things in other people. When I start accepting myself, it’s hard not to accept other people. So when I’m ready, more people become right.
This year has become an eye opening for me. I hope this blog helps you in dating. Life is really incredible. I thought I have all the time in this world to do all the things I wanted, but life is really short. Instead of finding something to give me meaning, I am starting to put meaning into something that I do. In that way, I don’t get so confused. I began this blog and started to live my life because I wanted to find the right guy for me. I forgot about the reason it all began. I hope we find the right person 🙂
Maria, sometimes Niskie